Fears of the Forties

Human age and perspective are quite related and both are mutable and dynamic. From childhood to old age, we always believe that something never changes, especially our basic thought process, but cut the crap, it does change. Today, I wanna talk about a few of the changes that we face in our forties, which I had never believed that I’d think so.

In 2015, When I had chosen to start my own, It was my own conscious decision, and I was highly convinced that I wanted to do my own start-up, it didn’t run through well, then I joined BHIVE but soon I moved on and joined another start-up and that too didn’t do well. It was definitely a great journey of learning and facing realities, but at the same time I lost a good amount of money and, for a couple of years, I was not having financial security, I was not having good term insurance, not having health insurance of all the old ones, and it all added up into some kind of insecurity. I decided to join some stable company and bring some financial security. At the same time in the last 2 years, there is a lot of change we have seen, majorly losing both my brother-in-law, my father falling sick, my father-in-law's health issues, my brother falling sick, my sister falling sick. I used to think a lot about it, and I was questioning myself that if something happens to my loved ones, how would I protect them? This fear came up quite visibly in the last 2-3 years, and also when I was approaching my forties.

By the grace of God, I started planning certain things, like getting into a stable job, and after my last start-up Gold Farm, I joined OYO, but the journey didn’t go along, and that time was quite volatile, but soon I moved to Myntra and that gave me good stability and I am thoroughly enjoying my time here, I got decent term insurance, and having health insurance for all the old ones. All these actions definitely gave me some sense of security, assuming if anything wrong happens to me, my loved ones would be taken care of, at least financially, but you know what, doing all this didn’t give me any freedom or peace, strange, Isn’t it? I’d agree that It gave a degree of relaxation, but definitely not peace, so I started looking for it. 

I was doing a lot reactively, whatever situation was coming, I was acting upon it, stable Job, term insurance, health insurance, things were starting to look better and sorted. But after all those settings peace did not appear, and over time I realized that It’s not the events that triggered that insecurity, it’s the timeframe that naturally happens to trigger such events and so insecurities, and that’s what I am gonna talk about, Fears of the Forties.

10 years back, I never used to think about it, I never used to see that our loved ones are falling sick, but I think it’s the Forties inevitably makes our parents be 60+ and that’s when they start falling sick, the unpredictability emerges and some of the events show up that there is a possibility that we might lose them, and one day or other we lose one of them and that is very very disheartening. 

10 year back, My fortitude was uncanny, I never used to fall sick, I was super healthy, can do pretty much anything, can work hard and achieve pretty much anything, and money was not my aim, I wanted to experience, I wanted to live the life, and that ignorance and self-deception in a realistic dream world kept my godspeed, and there is nothing to look back, I was fearless.

When we approach our forties, we become a little old, our body doesn’t function as fast as we used to imagine, we lose our agility, we digest less, our metabolism reduces, our hypothalamus and pituitary gland get affected by age causing a major hormonal functional change, our sexual function reduces due to testosterone/estrogen level reduces, we do not do much of the physical work, so body ages even faster, and that brings frustration, all of sudden one day we realize that we are mortal, we are aging and we are approaching the old age. The old age which is in front of us in the form of our parents and we see that how they face the health issues, how they face the emptiness, and how they live their life either in melancholy or dependent on others (maybe their kids or anyone), but they need others, that brings a big change in our existential perspective, and that makes me fearful, that brings insecurities.

When we investigate health, it starts with disease free, which means we use the term called disease to define health and that is an irony, because that is not true. My father is usually quite healthy, well maintained, does the physical work, doesn’t eat market food, lives a simple life, but still falls sick quite often now, and the reason is more psychological than physical. When I start looking deeper, I realise that their health doesn’t deteriorate because of just aging, it’s more because of emptiness, they almost stays alone, there is no one to laugh and share tears with them, lack of friends, lack of community that lives with us, and we live with them. Health is not just about maintaining a good body, it’s more about perspective of life, positivity, and eagerness to do certain things, and emotional health also. The family and the community play a vital role in maintaining that health. I think, after the 60s our parents become like our kids and they need as much attention as our kids need, but we hardly provide that because we believe that they are not kids, they do not need to be taught anything, they already know everything, rather they are my parents and they should take care of me, their kids, which I believe is absolute stupidity. We know a lot of things, for example, we should get angry, we should not be violent, but still we behave like that, right? Which only means that there is certain conflict between our morality and reality, and I believe instead of fixing that, we should just accept it, we have errors, we make mistakes, and so our parents and with age they will show more errors, because now they need more attention, they want us to spend time with them. Once we accept them with their errors, I feel they gain some kind of invisible confidence that my son or my daughter loves me, he/she will be there to take care of me, however I am, whatever wrong or mistakes I do, at least he/she will stand with me, he’ll not leave us alone, that confidence is very important, that sense of trust changes everything.

I believe a child is not just healthy because of its age, I’ve seen kids who stay alone or whose parents don’t care for them much, or there is a fight between their parents, those kids fall sick faster because they don’t have that confidence that if something happens to me, I’ll be definitely taken care of, my parents will protect me or not, that insecurity creates psychological problems and that reflects biologically into their body as well. The same reason is true for parents also, once they start believing that their kids love them, and my kids will take care of me, that confidence gives life, it develops a sense of peace, and that is the vitality, the life force energy which becomes health. 

My parents stay in Patna & Nalanda, and they stay alone because I stay in Bangalore and my siblings stay in Delhi, and I’ve seen they don't stay healthy as much over there. Two years back when they came to Bangalore to stay permanently with us, that created another kind of problem, because here they don’t have the community, but still they lived quite a healthy life because we were there to take care of them, they were not alone, they were with their kids, with Sanvi and Milo and many other pets also, and slowly they adopted and lived a decent life.

When I imagine my life after 10-15 years, we'll also have that emptiness, we might have parents or might not have, but surely our daughter Sanvi will possibly be going out on her own endeavor, and we'll surely encourage her to follow her own path, but we'll have to go through that aloneness, who will shout in the house, who will sing and dance and do all the drama in the house, who will cry on silly little things, who will fill the house with noise which is joy today? When I imagine that time of living alone, I really feel that pain of aloneness, I am fearful about it. I and Rupa will remain in this big house, that is one of my greatest fears which has recently cropped up.

I have always tried living my life with a fine balance of indulgence and austerity, and I have always tried finding the perfect balance. Indulgence brings misery but without that life is colorless and musicless as well, it’s plain dry stone, isn’t it? It’s the affection that makes life quite colorful, we tend to live longer when our life is colorful when you love someone when someone loves you, isn’t it? And that someone can be your wife, your friends, your lover, your parents, your kids, your social connection, anyone… but now the question is, among all this connection there is one connection which makes you entangled the most, and that is our children, that makes us really indulge more, we tend to do so many things for them so that they can stay happy, and they can lead a better life, we plan their birth, their nourishment, their health, growth, their education, their career, their marriage, in fact their kids, so many involvements, and during all this process, we tend to get more and more attached, and at any point of time when we face the reality that this is temporary, our kids will go far for their living, the insecurity kicks in, and the whole question comes in front of our face is, ab main kiske liye kuchh karunga? What’s the purpose of doing so much of work, when our kids will be gone far, specially when it comes to Sanvi, very soon she will go out for studies, then higher education and then job and then marriage, she is most likely not gonna stay in our house ... that chirping, that noise, that music will be desperately missed. Honestly speaking I had never ever imagined that I’ll be so much attached to something/someone that will create a kind of fear of staying far from them or losing them. 

I had always believed that Life is cool, do good karma, be sensitive toward nature and people, be strong in your thoughts and life is good, take care of people and you’ll be living a peaceful life...but that’s not enough, I think life wants me to ask more fundamental questions, and go through necessary experience (however painful or joyous)..... so be it, in fact, we can’t do much about it, the timeline is already set, what is left to happen is uncovering the truth over the time.

There are a few more fearful things in my life, and I often think about them. Sometimes I feel, we are bound to live with questions, seeking answers for them is our natural instinct, but at the same time living with the fundamental questions is much more important than even finding answers, and I feel it does not despair me, I think I am enjoying this state also...

I don’t know the answers, but I have the questions.

1. Why do we have so much attachment with our kids and selective people?

2. Why do we feel so much pain when we lose someone?

3. Will I be living alone in my 60s? Will that be painful?

4. How would I die? Can I experience it before my death?